Did a Bad Thing

This is a day of inexplicable misery. I wake up and think: actually I don't want to go to work. So I don't. I ring up my boss, and ask for the morning off, which she is fine with. So I lie in bed, feeling over-tired and maudlin, until time runs out, and I must drag myself into the office. Of course, having failed to get in in the morning, I have a huge pile of work to do in half the time once I arrive. But my mind and mood is so feeble, I can barely touch it.

My best guess is that it is hormones - "girl problems" - or something, though these passing moods are so random, I am not sure I can blame it on that. Today I just feel incapable, stupid, hopeless, tired, shaky, weird. Everything is crap. Out in the pub on Friday, I got a passing comment, which kind of shook me up. It was said very casually, and seemed without malice, but it was a reminder of how all the words we cast out there, however innocent or unintentional, bounce off people; that even those things you think will never find their way to certain places do. This is a scary thought. I already obsess too much about past indiscretions, and how all the things I have ever done might have affected people, or could affect me in the future.

In this kind of mood I want to go away, and live on my own island. I want to become a plank of wood. I want no worries. No nothing. No loneliness. No fear. Nobody to hurt. Nobody to hurt me. Nothing. Nada.

Blogging is bad for the health.... I mean did I moan so much before my blog???? (probably but maybe not). Who did I share all my stoopid thoughts with???? And who do I think reads this???? (what's probably most worrying is that people actually do read this shit!!). Fucketty fucketty fuck fuck fuck. And one more fuck for good luck. That is all.