Crime Statistic #52738394405

Spent a lovely evening out yesterday eve (dressed as Amelia Earhart) to celebrate young Monky's 27th year. My outfit was rather splendid, and with my home made jodphurs and rubber flying helmet I was a sight to behold. Unfortunately my inability to keep continuous watch on my handbag (a faux pas any Londoner should be ashamed of) resulted in me becoming a crime statistic, as my emptied out bag ended up unceremoniously dumped down the ladies toilet in the 'Ding's Iguana Bar. Given that the villain must have been a lady, and that there were only about 20 people in the bar at the time, no doubt I'd looked at the little shit earlier in the evening. For her troubles, she got £30 cash, an elderly phone with about £5 credit on, and a free train ticket to London. For my troubles, I've spent all fucking evening and day phoning various people to get replacements for all the cards I've lost (including my dad's 'Ding season ticket oops) and will probably be £80 down by the end of it. On the off-chance the heartless crim might listen to my voicemail, I left a message saying "You are an utter utter c**t and I hope you get run down by a bus and your intenstines are spread all over the road". This made me feel better, for a short while.

For all the shit, the staff at the Iguana Bar were absolutely brilliant, particularly the big chunky bouncers, one of whom got rather overexcited ("bruv, let's put out a patch, let's look at the CCTV now, they could still be here..."). Sadly it was all a bit late for that, but they looked after their 'first official crime' victim very well indeed, as did Monky and Choc Chip who supplied me with wads of cash and sympathy, and fed me with a delishusssshhh kebabish come the end of the evening. I must admit, I laid awake obsessing about becoming a Jodie Foster-style vigilante, and about how the villainess might be spending my Boots and Nectar cards on a shopping bender... none of which thankfully has proved true (there's still an opportunity to become a knife wielding maniac however...).

Still, never mind. Moral of this story - be streetwise, and also that ANYONE anywhere who steals someone else's possessions is a low-life worthless cnut. Bahhhhhhh. And also, if you're some trendy little teenage girl trying to push her way past me, as I try to get OFF a tube train, remember that that person you're trying to push past most rudely might recently have been robbed, so don't be surprised when she says to you sternly "EXCUSE ME, DO NOT TRY TO GET ON THIS TRAIN UNTIL I GET OFF IT!!". And even better, if you're her mother, don't tut at me because your own daughter has the manners of a five year old. Mainly, because I am already in quite a bad mood, but also because I am ten times a better human being than you, and have the manners to show it...

And that ladies and gentleman is the end of this week's rant!